Victim Strength

Unveiling the paradox of strength over force

Having worked for a few decades now with people -mostly men- who were victimized as children and wondered what helped them survive, I have come to appreciate the paradox of strength over force.

Abuse and toxic messages received in childhood condition us to think we are the problem we enter therapy to fix. What most survivors of early traumatizing relationships do not realize is that they are often emotionally stronger and more resilient than those who hurt them. Those who hurt them often rely on them to survive the hurt they inflict and come back for more. These victims learn to bear maltreatment and the painful emotions of vulnerability that their abusers cannot tolerate within themselves. and have learned to abuse by those who hurt them. Abusers pass their pain on to someone usually younger and more vulnerable than themselves- who is physically less powerful and less likely than a peer to kick these emotions back to them.

Sacrificing self for survival - the hidden toll of the survivor

It takes stamina and resourcefulness to survive in the victim role, and the ‘victim’ often does so for the sake of preserving relationships they depend on for survival, to people they want to be important to and ultimately feel loved by, at least as children. At some level they may even know they are needed by their less emotionally capable abusers, so they sacrifice themselves, despite their pain and fear, in acts of survival generosity.

The price paid by the survivor is to believe they are bad and defective, because that’s what they are told or made to feel, and often no one is letting them know otherwise. When someone does, like a benign relative or a close childhood friend, they may be able to absorb what it takes to heal as an adult. This dynamic applies especially in sexual abuse but is universal beyond it.

Unveiling the deeper strength of survivors

Part of what goes unrecognized by the victim is that the power of the abuser is not strength, and that the power of the ‘victim’ to endure and later even empathize with other victims and with the exploited in general is a deeper strength, an emotional capacity and reserve stronger than the abuser’s projective and defensive shows of force.

Presuming, that is, that the victim does not end up so fully identifying with their abuser that they become one themselves. Those who end up choosing therapy are usually the ones who don’t.

But all victims have some of their abuser in them, if only to pick partners that repeat the mistreatment they are used to. And the capacity to feel bad about themselves as a result is part of the strength that brings them into therapy. Instead of following in the footsteps of their abusers by burdening others with their pain, they may use the safety and respect therapy provides to choose the self-esteem that comes more easily to those who have not been victimized.